It's Not About Me

“It’s not about you.”  That statement is the first sentence in one of my favorite books, “The Purpose Driven Life” by Rick Warren. It is a simple statement yet it is packed with so much power. If we took a moment to realize how many of the things that bother us have nothing to do with us at all, we would be much happier.

Taking things personally is often what upsets us the most. Imagine if we removed ourselves from the equation. Doing so would also subtract quite a bit of stress from our lives. Let’s take a look at some real life examples.

When it comes to relationships if our significant other cheats on us or is unfair in some way, we automatically assume that it was something that we did wrong to make them cheat and that the cheating was something that they did to hurt us. If we flip the way we look at it and say, “They didn’t do that TO me, they did that FOR them.” It gives a whole new spin to a hurtful situation.

Last week I had a professional situation where technical difficulties caused me to start an important webinar extremely late. I could have beaten myself up and held on to heavy feelings of guilt and failure all day. Instead I chose to let it go. I found comfort in the fact that I did my best and that much of what happened was beyond my control. It wasn’t about me.

Those are just two quick examples, but think about any situation in your life that troubles you and say to yourself.  “It’s not about me.”  Relinquish yourself from the blame and responsibility and give yourself a break.  Even if people want to put things off on you, that doesn’t mean that you have to reach out and take it. Throw your hands up or put them behind your back and don’t allow people to force you to carry their heavy baggage.

This week I challenge you to shift your energy and thoughts to positive things and stop taking everything so personally. Give yourself a break. You deserve it.

Traffic Light Your Life

Today is the day to begin cleaning house.  I mean this literally and figuratively, inside and out. This is the week where we must sit down and reflect on 2011 and think about what we want 2012 to look like. What will we leave behind in 2011? What will we take into 2012? What will we do differently?  What will stay the same?  There is a reflection activity that I often use with my training participants called Red Light, Yellow Light, Green Light. Let's use this activity to help us to reflect on last year and plan for the year to come.

The red light represents things that we want to stop. What are some things that you did in 2011 that you don't want to carry into 2012? Maybe it's a bad habit or behavior...or it could be some form of inactivity perhaps when it comes to exercise, or being organized.   For me it's leading with my emotions and negative thinking. I've spent a lot of time really looking at and learning about myself this year and I've come to realize that the way that I react to things and the way that I think about things is truly the only thing that is holding me back from where I really want to be. It's not money, or time, or any of the other excuses that we often use when we talk about why we aren't where we are supposed to be in our lives. So my red light is that I plan to stop making decisions and reactions based on emotion as well as negative thinking and processing, all which ultimately lead to self-sabotage.

The yellow light represents things that you want to continue. It's all about acknowledging something that you have been doing that is working for you.  At the end of 2010 I realized that I was 32 years old with tons of great accomplishments and success, and I made good money, but I had absolutely nothing to show for it. As a result, this year I committed to financial literacy and freedom and it has completely turned my life around.  It has increased my confidence and self-esteem and it has decreased my stress. Therefore my yellow light is that I will continue my journey to financial freedom in which I have intentionally mapped out a plan for 2012 that leads to the road to being an enlightened millionaire.

The green light represents something that you want to start. This year what I want to start is quite simple. I want to start searching and saving for my dream house.  I believe that it is my destiny to be the rock of my family. I want to be the safe and neutral place where everyone can come to celebrate on holidays. So, once I get my dream house, I want to start strong traditions of love and acceptance for years to come.  Family begins with our blood relatives, but it extends to the friends in our lives who have become family as well.  So again, my green light is to start saving and searching for my dream house where I will begin strong traditions that bring peace and joy to those that I love.

What will you Stop (Red Light), Continue (Yellow Light), and Start (Green Light) in 2012? This week I challenge you to sit down and write, draw or visualize these things so that you will have a simple yet solid plan for the New Year.

Happy Holidays!

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EXCERPT from "Monday Morning Motivation" The Book!

Introduction

A New Day

Recently I was talking to a friend and fellow motivator about Monday mornings at his job. He shared that it was the absolute worst time of the week. This was due to the fact that everyone was always upset and depressed because they didn’t want to be there. As positive as he is, one can’t help but be affected by such negative energy; as it is contagious. Finally, he told me that when my Monday Morning Motivation message pops up in his inbox, it ends up turning his whole day around.

When I decided to do these messages I never could have imagined the impact that they would make. More than one person has shared with me that research shows that suicide occurs more often on Mondays than any other day of the week because of that sense of dread and depression that is often referred to as the “Monday Morning Blues.” Each of these readers, who have never met and live in different parts of the world, all said that they feel like these messages are making an impact and a difference when it comes to those statistics. If a little inspiration on Monday morning lifts one heavy spirit or saves one life, then I feel that I have done my job.

I look at Monday in an entirely different way. I truly believe that our health, wealth and how we feel about ourselves depends heavily upon how we perceive things. For example, when I hear the term Monday Morning Blues, I think of how beautiful a blue sky is or that blue is my favorite color as opposed to the negative connotation that the word blue usually holds. Instead of looking at Monday in a dreadful way, I look at it as a new day and an opportunity for a new beginning… as a gift that we are given each week.

I remember when I was a child and I wanted to ask my mother for something, I can’t recall what it was, but I prefaced it with, “Mom, when it’s 1984 again can I….”  She laughed and let me know that years don’t come back around like months and days do. We may not be able to get the years back, but there will always be another Monday.

Every day is a new day and an opportunity to start all over again, but I feel that Mondays are the most powerful because they are the beginning.

How often do we think or say that we wish we had the opportunity to do something all over again? Monday gives us that. Today I challenge you to think about ways to make the most of Mondays.  I’ll start you off with a few, but the rest is up to you…

Re-Commit To a Life-Style Change

Notice that I didn’t say diet. Focus on fitness in a way that is manageable and realistic enough for you to maintain for life. 

Do Something Differently Than You Did Last Week

Use the weekend as a time to reflect on issues that came up for you throughout the week.  Once you’ve completed that task, use Monday as a day to learn from your mistakes by leaving them behind and moving forward with new goals and action steps.

Begin the Journey of Letting Something Go That Is Not Good For You

Perhaps you want to quit smoking or give up sweets. Monday is a great day to begin and even if you slip up during the week, that’s OK because another Monday is on the way for you to give it another try.

Let’s make each Monday a new day and if you find yourself getting off track as the week progresses, just remember…another Monday is only seven days away.

How to Use This Book

You are more than welcome to read this book all at once, but for maximum impact it is designed to be read one chapter per week for a year. Read each chapter first thing in the morning every Monday when you wake up, before you do anything else, or as soon as you arrive at the office, before you begin your work for the day.

Apply the topic of the message for each week to your life by focusing on the challenge posed or questions asked at the end of each chapter. Continue to apply and review the concepts, ideas and suggestions that you read in the motivational message for the entire week.

After reading the message, or at the end of the week, reflect on your progress. This can be done alone or with a close friend, family member, co-worker or group. Encourage the person that you share your thoughts with to read the book right along with you. (See the Book Club Guide at the end of the book.)

If you decide to reflect alone, record your thoughts, your answers to the questions, or the action steps that you plan to take to meet the challenges in a journal.

Now sit back, relax and enjoy the read!

"Monday Morning Motivation" The Book Coming November 12, 2011!!

Pre-Order NOW for ONLY $8 at http://www.monicamariejones.com

What Matters? Put In The Work To Make It Work

I was watching the movie Couple’s Retreat yesterday and toward the end, a line that actor Vince Vaughn said really stuck with me. He was talking to a friend that hadn’t been taking his marriage seriously when he said, “If it matters, work at it…if not, move on to something else.”

All too often we find ourselves in situations that we complain about, yet we stick around.  We are obviously sticking around for a reason.  Instead of continuing to just exist in such comfortable situations, we must ask ourselves if this job, this person, this project, or this goal really matters to us.  If it does, we must get out of our complacent state and work to make it work.  If we are not going to put in the work we must either stop complaining…or move on.

We are doing no justice to ourselves or the other people involved if we continue to stay around.  It’s kind of like that kid in the classroom, or that person in the office that has a cold. The school and the office management would rather that they just stay at home instead of spreading the germs and making everyone sick.

If you aren’t happy with a situation, you’ll ultimately exude negative energy, which is also contagious. Beyond that, it sucks the life out of people.

Today I challenge you to take inventory of your life and identify an area that you are not giving all that you know that you can.  What can you do to improve the situation?  In reflecting upon this situation, if you find that it really, truly matters to you, then put in the work to make it work, or do everyone a favor and let go and move on.  Moving on is not always a bad thing. It may be just what’s needed to liberate you and those who were affected by your actions or inaction.

My guess is that if it is a relationship with a loved one, as was the case in the movie…it probably does matter to you. So don’t take another second taking that person for granted. As soon as you’re done reading this, let them know how much they mean to you and why, and then begin devising a plan of action to put in the work to make it work.

Happy Labor Day

According to Wikipedia Labor Day is a United States federal holiday observed on the first Monday in September that celebrates the economic and social contributions of workers.

When I hear the word work, it makes me think about faith. Many of us truly believe that we have faith, but faith is a formula. Faith needs work to work. 

When a woman is in labor, she can believe that the baby will just slide and glide out or walk out of her without any effort on her part, but the reality is that she has to push.  She has to put in the work to give life to her little miracle.

What miracle do you want to happen in your life?  What goal or dream do you believe for? Are you putting in the work?  If you don’t want that vision to die, you have to push. You have to put in the work.

Now when I say put in work, I don’t just mean working hard…many of us do that every day. I mean working smart. For all that we do, there is a corresponding process or system that could help everything to go more smoothly and lead to higher quality outcomes.

Lately I’ve been studying business so that I can grow and strengthen the companies that I own.  In my research I read a staggering fact that 99 out of 100 small businesses fail in 10 years. We often have great ideas, great products and the ambition and the drive to start a business, but the reason that it is not successful is because we have not put in the right type of work.  To see our desired outcomes and ensure that they have longevity, we have to put in the work on the front end to create excellent systems.

BusinessDictionary.com defines a system as A set of detailed methods, procedures, and routines established or formulated to carry out a specific activity, perform a duty, or solve a problem.

When we take the time and put in the work to create a system, then our businesses, our goals, our dreams, our children, or whatever we believe for can continue to grow and flourish without us even being there. That is the type of work we want to do.

So celebrate the work you’ve done up to this point today, but tomorrow and beyond I challenge you to put in the right work.

Happy Labor Day!
Monday Morning Motivation (The Book) Coming November 2011!

Increase Your Peace

My Mother and I had a really good conversation the other day. We discussed how as you get older, your life should become more peaceful, and you should have far more grace when it comes to the way in which you handle situations. It may seem that the opposite is the case with the way reality TV glorifies grown folks fighting, but it still rings true that as your age increases, so should your peace and grace.

This year I’ve made an intentional effort to improve the quality of my life. Just last week I was sitting in my loft and I thought to myself, “My life is really peaceful. I am happy.”  There was a time in the past where I wouldn’t have been honestly able to say that.

There were certain things in my life that I had to change, replace, add or take away on my personal journey to peace and grace.  The first step was being brutally honest…with myself.

I know that I do well under pressure, which is fine every now and then, but overall I had to replace procrastination with planning.   My lack of advanced planning often led me to be reactive to situations, so I had to replace that with being proactive.   Being reactive often came with a lot of emotion. I had to replace the emotion with logic. Emotion usually leads to drama, so once I got rid of that, the drama decreased and I became ready to increase my peace. Increased peace leads to grace. When you are peaceful and happy, you handle situations far more gracefully.

I was reading one of my favorite authors, Robert T. Kyosaki, the other day and he said that in order for him to make meaningful and lasting change, certain parts of him had to die. For example, in order for him to be rich…the poor man in him had to die. In order for him to be healthy, the fat and lazy man in him had to die…

What part of us needs to die, so that the new and improved version can be born?

This week I challenge you to think about the habits and behaviors in your life that you can replace, change or eliminate in order to increase your peace and grace. Take it one day at a time…and take it from me, the end result is well worth the work.

Under Book and Over Look

Lately I’ve been exploring meditation in an attempt to quiet my ever racing mind.  I’ve also heard that prayer is you talking to God and meditation is you sitting back quietly to listen for His response.  So now, instead of rambling on my long prayers and going about my day immediately after, I’ve tacked on some meditation time at the end of each prayer to listen to what God has to say back to me.

One day last week I set aside some very intentional quiet time to really get deep into the prayer and meditation.  In so many words, the response that I got during my meditation was, “You’re doing too much.”  This made so much sense because I’ve come to realize that I tend to over book myself.  This doesn’t mean that I’m scheduling things at the same time, but I’m not really giving myself time to thoroughly breath, reflect, and rest in between appointments and engagements.

I’ve come to learn that just because a block of time is not filled on your calendar or in your day planner, it doesn’t mean that it’s really available.  I’ve had days where I schedule appointments, book signings, meetings and calls back to back to back just because the space is free on my calendar. What I don’t account for is transitions, down time, travel time and the fact that I am not a robot and that I might just get tired somewhere along the way like humans often do.

When I was given the message that I was doing too much, an example was also revealed to me.  Now that my business travel is beginning to slow up a bit, I’d decided that I was going to commit to thirty days of focus to tie up a lot of loose ends in my life.  God was like, “Why does it have to be thirty days? Why can’t you just start by committing to like two days and see how it goes?” Again, this made so much sense for me because I definitely have a tendency to make grand plans, then I find myself either overwhelmed by them or disappointed with myself because I’ve abandoned them.

Another area where I tend to “do too much” is within my thoughts. I have formed a nasty little habit of sweating the small stuff, instead of focusing on the big picture.  Sometimes we all stress ourselves out by thinking about, paying attention to and entertaining some of the most trivial things.  Let’s use a dating situation as a common example of this…

 A man and a woman are dating.  The woman spends a lot of time and energy paying attention to all of the other young ladies that are attracted to or interested in her man.  She overlooks the fact that she gets all of his time, attention and affection, and focuses on all of these women that are making comments on his Facebook page or following him on Twitter.  Instead of focusing on the positive big picture, she is zeroed in on the insignificant small picture.  My advice to here would be,” If you are the quarterback, why in the world are you worried about who’s on the bench?”

Do you see where I’m going with this?

This week I challenge you to UNDER Book yourself for a change and OVER Look the small stuff that doesn’t even matter in the larger scheme of things. As your personal guinea pig for positive change I can assure you that your life will begin to improve instantly.

Get Your Life In Order

I’ve come to know that the state of my physical space is often a pretty accurate representation of my mental and or emotional state. If my car and my loft are junky, then so is my mind. When I’m off balance, overwhelmed, stressed, or just trying to do too much, all of the things around me become a clear sign that it’s time to slow down and pull things back together.  I usually don’t stop to “clean up” until things slow down naturally, but yesterday I began to think...What if we can reverse the effects by flipping the process?

It all boils down to being proactive. What if I began by stopping to take time up front to clean and organize my life?  Would that then lend itself to a more clear and organized mind and emotional state?

I decided that I’d give that a try this week. So last night I cleaned up my loft and created a few posters to guide me through the week, the month, and the rest of the year.  Take a moment to think about this…What are some practices that we could put in to place to make our lives run more smoothly?  Here are a few of my suggestions…

Finances: Create a poster of monthly expenses, (also list due dates and amounts) post them on the wall where you have to look at them every day, and cross them off as you pay them off. 

Long Term Planning: Create a poster that is a grid of the next six months with blank columns under each month.  Write major goals out individually on Post It (sticky) notes.  Place the goals in the columns under the months in which you hope to accomplish the goals.  If life happens and you don’t meet one by the due date that you’d planned for, simply move it over to the next month.

Daily Duties: Create a poster similar to the Long Term Planning Poster described above.  Instead of months as the column titles, list important components of your life.  For me that includes the names of the different companies that I run or consult for, shopping, friends, family and personal.  List what needs to be done under each category and cross them off as you accomplish them.

These visual representations of the things that need to be organized and maintained in your life help to keep you on track. Being able to cross them off and see that they have been taken care of gives you a real sense of accomplishment and progress.

You may not adapt any of these techniques, and I don’t encourage you to if you feel that they won’t work for you.  BUT this week I will challenge you to come up with one process that will help you to get your life in order, thus improving your mental health and productivity.  Engineer yourself for success by beginning with something small and manageable that you know you will stick to.  Once you put your new practice into place, sit back and watch how much more smoothly your life will run.

Year of Repair

What is broken in your life?  Is it a relationship with a family member, friend or significant other? Is it your credit or financial situation? Is it your health? Is it your education? Is it you?  Take a quick diagnostic check or assessment of your life as it is right now and determine what is in need of repair.  If you find that there is more than one thing, prioritize them and zero in on that one thing that is at the top of the list.

This year I came to realize that the area where I was the most broken was financial literacy. And isn’t it ironic that the root word of broken is “broke”.  Being “broke” is no more than a mindset or a pattern or behavior that can indeed be broken in a positive way. 

In an attempt to fix this area with which I had always been challenged I have officially decided to declare this my “Year of Repair” with a focus on financial literacy.  Surprisingly, I have found that as I improve my financial situation through education, awareness and consistent practice of a specific set of action steps, that my self-esteem and confidence have increased and my stress level has decreased.  This has in turn freed up my time and energy to align and balance all of the other areas in my life that are in need of repair as well.

As we approach the middle of the year, now is a good time to reflect upon and reassess the goals that we set for ourselves at the beginning of the year. Many of our goals probably spoke directly to the things in our lives that are in need of repair.  I just stopped writing this to flip back in my journal to see what my goals were and I realize that I have accomplished four of the eight that I set for myself.  I also realize that half of my goals were financial.

This week I challenge you to devote some time to reflecting on where you are in your life, assessing what the challenges or broken pieces are, and beginning to plan for how you want to move forward during the second half of the year. Don’t overwhelm yourself with several projects, simply focus on one thing that you want to repair and go from there.

Here are a few tips to get you started…

1.       Don’t be afraid to ask for help. There is probably a friend or colleague right within your grasp that is strong in the area in which you are weak.

2.       Study books, magazines, or even documentaries or movies that address the area in which you broken and are striving to repair.

3.       Be honest with yourself.  A lot of times it’s hard to admit areas where we fall short of even our own expectations.  Don’t be afraid to admit your mistakes and take the first small step to changing your life for the better.

Happy Year of Repair!

Simplify Your Life to Live

“Why are you ALWAYS in such a rush?”  These words stopped me in my tracks and made me ask myself the same question. My seven year old nephew said this to me on Friday when I breezed back into town after being gone for a week and only stopped by momentarily to give him a hug and a kiss on the cheek.  He had other plans. He wanted me to sit and play with him and his super hero action figures. So instead of rushing out of the door to run errands, keep appointments, and squeeze in everything that I could before leaving town again on Sunday…I sat down with him and just played.

It was interesting that he said this to me because the previous week I facilitated a training where I asked the participants to talk about their goals and two of them said that their goal was to simplify their life.  This stood out to me because usually people have complex personal or professional goals that include losing weight, starting a business, obtaining a degree or writing a book.  I realized that for me, simplifying my life might have been just as challenging as any of those other goals.

Sometimes, when we are good at something, it is our natural tendency to feel like that is what we are supposed to be doing and we pour all of our energy into it.  I’ve learned the hard way that just because you excel at something, it doesn’t mean that you are supposed to be doing that thing. 

There was a point in my life, where I gave time to everything that I was good at…acting, dancing, modeling, community work and youth work.  I figured that since all of the things that I was engaged in were positive, then there was no problem with me doing them all. What I came to realize was that stress comes in all forms, not just from negative things or when things are not going your way.  You can just as easily become stressed out from doing a whole lot of positive things. 

There have been several instances where I took something that I loved, and gave it so much of myself, that I ended up turning myself off to it altogether. I’ll give you an example.  I love to dance.  Instead of just dancing like no one was watching because it brings me joy, I ended up dancing professionally, and then teaching dance.  My joy became work, and I ended up retiring from it.  Being a dance teacher was great, but that’s not what I really wanted. I simply wanted o dance.  Even though I may have exposed my students to new and wonderful experiences, I ruined it for myself.

I realized that this is a pattern for me.  I take something that I love, and end up taking a road that I may not have been meant to take.  The problem with this is that when we overdo anything, we end up burning ourselves out. It’s just like food, if you cook it too long, or at too high of a temperature, it burns.

Essentially, it’s all about finding a balance. It’s great to give your all to what you believe in, but don’t spread yourself too thin.  I’ve always had a desire in my heart to change the world, so I tend to try to do fifty million different things to accomplish that goal.  Eventually I find myself tired and overwhelmed.  If I’m feeling that way, what good am I to the people that I hope to encourage?

My point?  Keep it simple.  At the end of the day, that’s all that matters anyway…the simple things.  If you find yourself feeling stressed and overwhelmed more than you find yourself at peace, it may be time to scale back your life.  Someone said, “Maybe you need to clear some things off of your plate.” My response was, “Maybe I need to get a smaller plate!”. 

This week I challenge you to identify one to three things that you can eliminate from your schedule that will help to simplify your life, thus reducing your stress and anxiety.  It may also be a matter of adding something to your schedule, like budgeting your money to make things flow more smoothly for you in the long run, or beginning a workout, such as cardio kickboxing, that will help you to reduce stress.

Once you’ve done this, simply sit back and savor the simple things that truly matter. Play with your children before you look up one day and realize that they are all grown up. Watch the sun rise or set. Color in a coloring book. Watch a silly movie. Read a good book. Talk to a friend on the phone about nothing of importance. Or do what seems to be the most challenging thing of all for most of us busy over achievers…simply sit down.  These are the things that make life worth living. Simplify your life and begin to live.

What Are You Chasing?

Take a moment to take an inventory of how you spend your time.  Most likely you spend some, if not the majority of your time going after something.  That thing may be money, a mate, or a goal.  Having your sights set on something to strive toward can be a great thing.  The question is, are you going after the best thing for you?

When it comes to life, love and even success, there is something about the chase that is very exciting. We like to go after what’s challenging, what we are told that we can’t have, or what may seem unattainable.  In many instances this is a good thing, but is what you are chasing, what you are supposed to have?

Are you missing something that you are supposed to get by chasing something that you are not supposed to have?

We have a tendency, often subconsciously, to try to manipulate and control our lives. We see something we want and then we create every excuse that we can as to why it is what we are supposed to have.  As a result, we often find ourselves in situations that may not be healthy for us.  So it’s important to take time to think through our decisions and our choices to make sure that in trying to pursue what we want, we are not missing out on what we are supposed to have.

This week I challenge you to analyze your current circumstance. What are you chasing?  Does it want to be caught? If you stop chasing it, will it chase you?  When it’s something that you’re supposed to have, it will most likely come when you stop looking.   Make room for your blessings by opening up your mind and your heart to receive them.  Sometimes that means just being still and waiting faithfully and patiently.  Take a break from the chase so that you can get what you are supposed to have.

Is Your Thinking Stinking?

Yesterday at church the pastor said that when you are going through hell…the only way that hell could have gotten inside of you or your home is through your mind.  His words were exactly what I needed to hear because I’d been dealing with negative thoughts all week to the point where I was losing sleep. As much as I motivate and encourage others, I was slowly being taken out by entertaining negative thinking.

It all boils down to fear and we know that fear and faith can’t co-exist.  I don’t mean to recap his whole sermon, but he was so on point that I’d be doing you an injustice if I didn’t share.  The other profound point that he made had to do with faith.  He said that there are three things that need to be in place in order for faith to be faith:   1.) Believe it 2.) Speak it. 3.) Act on it. 

Believe it

See yourself in the future. Whatever it is that you want to happen…you must believe that it will. Visualize it. Picture it. Draw it if you have to. Think of it as already being yours.

Speak It

We often underestimate the power of our words.  You will begin to see what you say so choose your words wisely and keep them positive.

Act On It

We can believe it and speak it all day, but if we don’t act on it, we might as well go right on back to living in fear or allowing hell into our home and into our mind.  Another important point that the pastor made is that sometimes the corresponding action to the faith is to “shut up and wait.”  So think about what the proper actions are that will go along with what you are believing for.

I’m usually extremely positive, but last week I was all out of character. I had to check myself.   It all came down to changing my thinking.  Now, when negative thoughts try to enter my mind, I picture myself swatting them away with a tennis racket.  That may seem silly, but hey, it works for me so I encourage you to do what works for you.

This week, I want you to check yourself to make sure that you aren’t allowing negativity, fear, self-doubt or any other stinking thinking to seep into your subconscious.  Remember, the only way that hell can enter your life is through your thoughts AND the only way that hell can exit your life…is through your thoughts.

Ask for What You're Worth

When I travel to do consulting or speaking engagements, the clients generally cover travel expenses. I am often given the option to choose my flight preferences.  For those of you that travel frequently, you know that connecting flights can be a nightmare.  If your first flight is delayed, then it may make you miss your second flight. Another headache is when you end up in airports and on planes all day because your layover in between flights is so long. Either way, it makes for a stressful and draining day of travel, which often takes away from the energy needed for the performance that you plan to give when you speak, teach or train. So needless to say, my preference is for straight flights.

As I was looking through the flights I realized that most of them had connections.  I also noticed that the ones with the layovers were considerably more affordable than the ones that were straight flights on the airline that I usually travel on so that I can accumulate frequent flier miles. 

This time I tried something a little different. Instead of feeling bad for choosing a more expensive flight, or trying to save the company money by selecting the cheapest flight, or even sending my top three choices…I simply sent my first choice and left it at that.

As I waited for the response I began searching for my second and third choice because I felt that surely they wouldn’t honor my first request.  It was too expensive. I got prepared to accept my fate of having to take a cheaper flight even though all of the departure and arrival times were either ridiculously late or painfully early. 

In the midst of my melancholy search I received a response.  It was the confirmation for my first choice flight! It was a straight flight on my airline of choice. The client booked it without a question or a concern.  They saw the value in my services thus matching the quality that they know I will deliver with the accommodations that they arranged for me.  It made me realize that ‘affordable’ and ‘expensive’ are all about perspective.  If we want something different for ourselves, we must think differently about ourselves.  If I thought of myself as priceless, then I wouldn’t have thought of that flight as being too expensive.

The lesson in all of this is two-fold.  The first is that you must know your worth.  If you expect and accept less, then that’s exactly what you will get…less than what you are worth.  Look at it like this…if someone said, “I want give you some money.”  And your response was, “You can give me $5 or $500 or $5000.”  Which one do you think they would choose?  Most people would probably go with the $5 since you gave them that option.  Don’t low ball yourself. Start high because you are worth it. If negotiations are necessary, then so be it, but don’t settle for less than what you are worth.  When you ask for less it may cause those who you are communicating with to believe that you are not qualified or confident when it comes to your ability to execute the task.

The second lesson is that you must ask for exactly what you want.  You’d be surprised at how often you actually get it.  We have not because we ask not. A more common occurrence is that we have not, because we ask for less than what we truly want or are worth.

This week I challenge you to ask for what you want.  The worst thing that can happen is that someone can tell you “no”...they can’t kill you.  If you don’t know your worth, then perhaps you should take out some time to learn about it.  Once you know your worth, adjust accordingly.

How Do You Talk About YOU?

How do you talk about you?  If you hear something so often for so long you start to believe it. Your own voice, whether it's speaking internally or out loud is the one that you hear the most. So as you clear old things out of your life and bring in new things, you may want to remodel how you speak about and to yourself.

I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve heard people say, “I feel so ugly” or “I’m fat”.  I might as well just start responding to them by saying, “You sure are,” because what we speak seeps into our subconscious and subliminally hypnotizes us into believing what we are saying, then as result we end up becoming those things…even if it is only in our own mind. No matter what others see, when we look in the mirror, we only see what we’ve spoken ourselves into being.

Even more detrimental than negative self-talk that focuses on physical appearance is when people defeat themselves before they even try by speaking negatively about their ability.

For years I taught dance to young people and I got to a point where I had to ban the words, “can’t” and “don’t” from my classroom.  I told my students that those were curse words.  They took it so seriously that when a new student came and said one of those words, or an existing student slipped up, there would be a collective “ooooooooh”. ..that sound we make when someone is about to get in trouble.

I had those children convinced that those were two more four letter words to add to the list of profanities that they weren’t supposed say.  But if you look at the term ‘curse word’ literally, it is like we are putting a curse on ourselves when we speak so negatively.   I would ask those young people, “How do you know what you can’t or don’t know how to do before you’ve even tried?”

This New Year, I challenge you to focus on changing the way that you talk to and about yourself. Out with the old negative self-talk and in with the new positive self-talk or affirmations.

“An affirmation is a positive statement of (positive) belief, and if we can become one-tenth as good at positive self-talk as we are at negative self-talk, we will notice an enormous change.” – Julia Cameron, Author of The Artist’s Way



Out With The Old...In With The New!

This is the last week of 2010.  How will you spend it?  I plan to spend the time cleaning out my space and my life to make room for the new things that I want to receive in 2011.  My issues with clutter usually have to do with my clothes and my linens.  I buy new things, but I continue to hang on to the old things even if the quality is poor, things don’t fit, I never wear or use them or if I have several of the same thing.  So what’s my attachment to these things?  Why can’t I just let go?

This practice is similar to how we live our lives. We hold on to people and things that may not necessarily serve a purpose. In essence, they are really just taking up space. It forces me to wonder, what other more useful, valuable and meaningful thing could be in that space that is already taken?

Every household should have staple items.  If we narrow it down to just looking at clothing and linens one major thing comes to mind for me in each category.  With the weather getting colder, especially here in Michigan and other places with similar climates, there are a few items that are mandatory at this time of year.  Let’s take a literal look at two items: a comforter and a pair of boots.  After we look at them literally, then we can liken them to the people and things that we choose to have in our lives.

The primary purpose of a comforter is to keep us warm, but it may also be a security blanket for many.  When we personify this, I believe that it is good for us to have one or two people that we can turn to when we feel the need to be comforted.  The problem lies in having several people that are comforters in your life. What does this say about you?  Are they enabling you? Are you dependent upon them?

Just like with real comforters, one or two good ones will do. Having many more than that means that you probably just use them for show, or they are taking up lots of extra space in your closet.  When you have too many people that are comforters, those extra ones are usually ‘yes men’ or ‘yes women’.  If someone is always agreeing with you and telling you what you want to hear, how will you ever grow?  A true friend or comforter will be caring and kind, but will also always be honest with you and have your best interest in mind.

The purpose of a good pair of boots is to protect your feet by keeping them warm and dry.  I have a pair of leather, knee high, kitten heeled boots that I absolutely adore.  They are cute, comfortable and they keep my feet warm and dry.  The problem is that I wear them so much that I’ve worn both of the heels off.  When I walk on hard surfaces it sounds like I have on tap shoes because where there should be heels on my boots, only exposed metal screws remain.

My mother HATES when I wear shoes that have gotten to that point. She’ll say, “How can I say this nicely?” Then she will pause and continue on by saying, “Don’t ever wear those boots again.”  I’m not sure how nice that delivery was, but I can understand where she is coming from.

Since boots cover and protect one of the most important parts of our body, I like to think that they represent integrity.  This analogy leads to two important questions…

“What do you stand for?”  And “What do you walk in?”  Your answers to each are unique to you, but I’ll give you my thoughts and or answers for each question. 

One of my favorite quotes says, “If you don’t’ stand for something, you’ll fall for anything.”  There are several things that I stand for and tests of my resolve constantly come my way in those areas.  Therefore it is important that I stand strong in my beliefs no matter what.  My answer to the second question is simple. I walk in faith.  If you are walking in anything else, say fear for instance, then perhaps it’s time to get a new pair of boots.

This final week of the year, I challenge you to think about what old things and people you need to let go of, and what new things and people you want to attract into your life.  Spend this week wisely; it just may set the tone for your new year.

Happy Holidays!

Christmas 1984 with my young brother Ron

Spoiler Alert: 

If you still believe in Santa Claus, stop reading this now.

One Christmas long ago I decided to do an experiment.  I wanted to find out if Santa Claus was real.  We usually leave cookies and milk or other delicious treats out for Santa, but this time I had a plan for something different.  Somehow, every year we had a box of chocolate covered cherries.  In our family this was equivalent to the dreaded fruit cake. No one liked the chocolate covered cherries.  I opened the lonely little box of untouched cherries that sat under the tree and put two of them on a small plate for Santa on Christmas Eve.  I reasoned that if my older brother or mother were posing as Santa, they would not eat the chocolate covered cherries and I would finally know the truth.

New Years Eve 2010 with my Younger Brother Ron

The next morning I woke up and the chocolate covered cherries were gone!  Instead of diving into opening gifts as I had really wanted to, I opened the box of chocolate covered cherries first.  The findings of my experiment were conclusive.  No longer were there two empty spaces where I had taken the chocolate covered cherries for Santa. Now it appeared to be that same untouched box with the two candies neatly tucked back in their original places.  It was official, Santa Claus was not real.

Now I believe in a higher power that I know is real. There is no experiment that can prove otherwise. I’ve only had constant signs and confirmations that He does exist.  He is the real reason that we celebrate this season.  That reason is God.   Since we focus a whole lot on gifts this season, I’d like to share a quote with you that I read last night.

“Creativity is God’s gift to us. Using our creativity is our gift back to God.”

–Julia Cameron, Author of The Artist’s Way

So this holiday season I encourage you to use your creativity, just as I did when I was a little girl, and unleash all of the wonderful gifts that God has given us. Use it in the gifts that you give for the holidays, use it in your work, use it in your play, and use it for your purpose.  In the midst of our giving, let’s give back to God.

Happy Holidays!

Proceed With Confidence

It is our natural human tendency to proceed with caution.  This might be necessary when it comes to blatant safety issues such as slippery floors or poorly lit roads, but what is our excuse for proceeding cautiously when it comes to the things that will improve the quality of our lives?

What do you want or need?  Is it a new home? A better car? Employment? A mate? Now think about your approach to that thing that you hope for.  Are you aggressively and assertively preparing for and or pursuing it, or are you tip toeing around it timidly hoping that it might happen,  but secretly sabotaging yourself by not believing that you’ll ever truly get it. Or even worse, settling for less than what you really want.

Let’s combat this by changing our thinking and our language.  Instead of thinking it as simply a want or a need, think of it as something that you believe for. Once you are able to wrap your head around that, begin to visualize yourself in that desired situation.

Now that you’ve got your mind right, it’s time to take a look at how you talk.  It may simply be a matter of switching out the word “if” for the word “when”, for example, “When I get a new car, I’m going to pay for full coverage insurance six months in advance.”  Isn’t that so much more powerful than saying,  “If I get a new car I’m going to try to pay for full coverage insurance, but I might just get no fault insurance at first, because I’m broke.”  In one simple sentence, you’ve already defeated yourself before you began.

I don’t think we realize just how powerful our words are.  What is in our mind comes out of our mouth, and then goes into our ears and right back into our mind. Now if that message is filled with negativity, self-doubt and fear, then look at the sad self-induced cycle that we get caught up in.

Sometimes our hesitance to speak confidently is a result of our worries about how others view us.  Don’t be driven by what other people might think if your vision doesn’t come to pass. It’s not about them, but you never know how hearing your strong faith may encourage or inspire them, so you very well may be doing them an injustice by not believing for what you want to receive and speaking accordingly.

I’ve told my mother the things that I’m going to do for her “WHEN I become a millionaire…” so many times, that when she got her last job she told her co-worker, “I’m only working here until my daughter becomes a millionaire.”  You see, the boldness and the confidence that is infused in your words and your thoughts is contagious.  You are not only setting up your life to receive the things that you believe for, but you are simultaneously motivating other people to have that same unwavering faith. So today I encourage you to mentally and verbally claim what is yours.  Stop proceeding with caution and begin to proceed with confidence.

Trust The Process

I’ve always tried to control my life.  I would subconsciously manipulate situations to work in my favor. I didn’t realize that I was doing it until recently.  What I found was that while I might have gotten my way for a moment, my master plans often back fired or failed. 

For example, when I am a facilitating Youth Work Professional training, I always have one participant that’s eager to get to the point of it all right away.  What they don’t understand is that each workshop agenda has been specifically designed to teach them the new concept or skill in such a way that breaks down and then reveals the pieces in manageable chunks that build upon one another.  It’s a process often referred to as scaffolding.  This method of teaching and learning makes a far more powerful impact than if I had just dumped all of the information on the students at once.

Initially they don’t understand why I do things the way that I do, but in the end, a light bulb goes off and it all makes sense to them.  When I come across a student like this, I have to remind them to ‘trust the process.’  My mother always said, “Everything happens for a reason” and I’ve found that this has always rung true.

Things happen along our journey that are meant to teach us, prepare us, strengthen us and humble us.  Let’s take relationships for instance.  When we meet someone that we are interested in, we try to pour it on thick right up front.   We try to make them notice us, like us or even love us.  If they don’t, we’ll take another approach like trying to play the best friend role in hopes that they will then see how awesome we are and automatically fall in love with us.  (I’m speaking from experience of things that I know I am guilty of.)  Situations like this don’t always end in disaster, but here we are again trying to manipulate a situation instead of just relaxing, having faith and trusting that things will happen the way that they are meant to. Perhaps that person was only placed in our lives for a specific reason.  That reason may have not been a relationship at all.

The same is the case with our careers, our circumstances…or even when bad things happen.  We have to trust the process as opposed to trying to control the situation and manipulate our desired result.  In doing this we often miss a very valuable lesson or even a blessing that was supposed to come out of the situation. Think about how much more fulfilling an experience would be if we allowed it to run its natural course.  We could truly sit back and savor the benefits knowing that they are ours authentically, not because we manufactured or manipulated the outcome.

Today I challenge you to take a deep restorative breath, sit back, relax, let go and enjoy the ride.  Take things one day, one hour, or even one moment at a time. Savor the journey.  Allow your life to lead for a change.  Surrender to faith and trust the process.

An Attitude of Expectation

What do you want? What do you need? Now that you've answered those questions, answer this one, Do you believe that you will get those things?

I'll never forget the day that I auditioned to be a backup dancer for Gospel Recording artist, Kierra 'Ki Ki Sheard'. We'd just found out from her choreographer that she was going to do a ten, day three city tour in Japan and she was looking for one more dancer. No sooner than the words had come out of our choreographer's mouth, I was already visualizing myself dancing in Japan. Just before we began I walked over to him and said. "I want to go to Japan."

We performed a series of dances for her and I danced, not as if I was auditioning, but as if I was already her dancer on that stage in Japan. Several factors could have made my belief in myself and my ability waver. I wasn't the size that most dancers are. I was nine years older than her and ten years older than the other backup dancer, and I had absolutely no idea where in the world my passport was. I could have defeated myself before I even began.

She watched us intently with a poker face and whispered back and forth with her existing dancer. When we were done she whispered back and forth with our choreographer. The suspense was intense! When she left, he pulled me to the side and said, "I hope that you have your passport, because you're going to Japan!" Needless to say, the next day I re-applied for my passport and then a few months later I went on that tour which ended up being an awesome and life changing experience.

This may sound cocky, but I believe that I deserve great things. Each morning I walk to my mail box and my post office box thanking God for the good news that's going to be inside before I even open it. This is actually an accomplishment for me because there was a time where I operated in fear and self-doubt, only focusing on the punishments and karma that I thought would come my way for doing things wrong. I'm sure I wasn't alone and I'm also sure that many of you still think and feel this way.

We don't get what we want because we don't believe that we deserve it.

I've come to the conclusion that the only person that can sabotage or foil any of the plans that I have for what I want to achieve is me. The quickest way for me to do that is by not believing in myself. Everything I want, I constantly visualize as already mine. And slowly but surely, and sometimes quickly those things begin to manifest in my life.

Let's not confuse expectation with entitlement. I am grateful for and take great care to maintain and sustain the things that I am blessed with by putting in the necessary work to support my faith. It is also important to be aware that when you ask for something, you put it in writing, or you speak it verbally, you just might get it, so be prepared. We often get what we ask for then don't know what to do with it because we aren't ready for it.

As you work to improve your attitude of expectation make sure that you are simultaneously in a state of preparation. If you want a good mate, work to make yourself great. If you want more money, work to strengthen your financial literacy, reduce or eliminate your debt and be a good steward over what you do have. If you want a new job, start investing in new professional attire now. It's all about your attitude. We attract what we give off. It's the same on the flipside so if you are negative or fearful, prepare to receive just that.

This week I challenge you to change your thoughts, actions and attitudes in such a way that you expect amazing opportunities, relationships, experiences and gifts. Believe that great things are yours to be taken... they are just waiting for you to realize it.