What Matters? Put In The Work To Make It Work

I was watching the movie Couple’s Retreat yesterday and toward the end, a line that actor Vince Vaughn said really stuck with me. He was talking to a friend that hadn’t been taking his marriage seriously when he said, “If it matters, work at it…if not, move on to something else.”

All too often we find ourselves in situations that we complain about, yet we stick around.  We are obviously sticking around for a reason.  Instead of continuing to just exist in such comfortable situations, we must ask ourselves if this job, this person, this project, or this goal really matters to us.  If it does, we must get out of our complacent state and work to make it work.  If we are not going to put in the work we must either stop complaining…or move on.

We are doing no justice to ourselves or the other people involved if we continue to stay around.  It’s kind of like that kid in the classroom, or that person in the office that has a cold. The school and the office management would rather that they just stay at home instead of spreading the germs and making everyone sick.

If you aren’t happy with a situation, you’ll ultimately exude negative energy, which is also contagious. Beyond that, it sucks the life out of people.

Today I challenge you to take inventory of your life and identify an area that you are not giving all that you know that you can.  What can you do to improve the situation?  In reflecting upon this situation, if you find that it really, truly matters to you, then put in the work to make it work, or do everyone a favor and let go and move on.  Moving on is not always a bad thing. It may be just what’s needed to liberate you and those who were affected by your actions or inaction.

My guess is that if it is a relationship with a loved one, as was the case in the movie…it probably does matter to you. So don’t take another second taking that person for granted. As soon as you’re done reading this, let them know how much they mean to you and why, and then begin devising a plan of action to put in the work to make it work.

Trust The Process

I’ve always tried to control my life.  I would subconsciously manipulate situations to work in my favor. I didn’t realize that I was doing it until recently.  What I found was that while I might have gotten my way for a moment, my master plans often back fired or failed. 

For example, when I am a facilitating Youth Work Professional training, I always have one participant that’s eager to get to the point of it all right away.  What they don’t understand is that each workshop agenda has been specifically designed to teach them the new concept or skill in such a way that breaks down and then reveals the pieces in manageable chunks that build upon one another.  It’s a process often referred to as scaffolding.  This method of teaching and learning makes a far more powerful impact than if I had just dumped all of the information on the students at once.

Initially they don’t understand why I do things the way that I do, but in the end, a light bulb goes off and it all makes sense to them.  When I come across a student like this, I have to remind them to ‘trust the process.’  My mother always said, “Everything happens for a reason” and I’ve found that this has always rung true.

Things happen along our journey that are meant to teach us, prepare us, strengthen us and humble us.  Let’s take relationships for instance.  When we meet someone that we are interested in, we try to pour it on thick right up front.   We try to make them notice us, like us or even love us.  If they don’t, we’ll take another approach like trying to play the best friend role in hopes that they will then see how awesome we are and automatically fall in love with us.  (I’m speaking from experience of things that I know I am guilty of.)  Situations like this don’t always end in disaster, but here we are again trying to manipulate a situation instead of just relaxing, having faith and trusting that things will happen the way that they are meant to. Perhaps that person was only placed in our lives for a specific reason.  That reason may have not been a relationship at all.

The same is the case with our careers, our circumstances…or even when bad things happen.  We have to trust the process as opposed to trying to control the situation and manipulate our desired result.  In doing this we often miss a very valuable lesson or even a blessing that was supposed to come out of the situation. Think about how much more fulfilling an experience would be if we allowed it to run its natural course.  We could truly sit back and savor the benefits knowing that they are ours authentically, not because we manufactured or manipulated the outcome.

Today I challenge you to take a deep restorative breath, sit back, relax, let go and enjoy the ride.  Take things one day, one hour, or even one moment at a time. Savor the journey.  Allow your life to lead for a change.  Surrender to faith and trust the process.

Click Refresh...

One of my favorite functions on the computer is the refresh button. According to Google, the refresh button allows a static page to update information that has been changed. As Winter has folded into Spring and March gives way to April it's due time to click the refresh button on our lives.

Think about the things that happen when you click the refresh button on the computer...

The current page will reload and the browser will look for an updated version of the page...

New things appear and old things are gone. Sometimes we get in such a stagnant place in our lives, that we only see that static page. We only see what is in front of us as it is, even if it's not the correct or most up to date information. Let's take a long term relationship for example.

You met your mate in high school or college and they were good looking, charming, popular and had all of the potential in the world. Fast forward ten or twenty years. You are still looking at what they were, when in reality, that potential was never realized and they are still living in and on their past fame and acclaim. Do you want to see who you are really with and whether the two of you are on one accord? Click refresh...

Sometimes images don't load until you click the refresh button...

Have you ever gotten to a page that should be full of colorful images, but all you see are empty spaces and red X's? Well, when you click refresh, all of the images become visible and show clearly and vibrantly. Let's liken this to our outlook, perception and mental health. When you are depressed or caught up in that stinking thinking you step outside and you see trash, graffiti, dirt, bums, and litter.

When you change your mindset and mood to a more positive one, you see a beautiful clear blue sky, a bright shining sun, and opportunity to help or minister to a person in need, and a city that despite the odds, remains resilient and has a plethora of hidden gems. Do you want to see these wondrous things? Click Refresh...

Sometimes you can't transmit information properly until you click refresh...

Have you ever been trying to send an email or a tweet and no matter how many times you hit the send button, it just won't go through?

Sometimes when we're under stress or duress it directly affects our ability to communicate effectively. How many times have you been having a bad day, or someone in particular got under your skin, then you go and speak to the next person you encounter in an unkind way?

Sadly, often times it's the people that we love the most that get the negative talk, complaints and argumentative dialogue. We need to dump that old information or situation that upset us, take a deep breath and treat every present and future situation as a new one. Do you want to communicate with kindness and love no matter what? Click refresh...

Do you feel that it's time for a positive change in your life?

Click Refresh!

Be The Change You Want to See

"Be The Change You Want to See in the World"

I'm not sure where I heard that quote, but it has always stuck with me. In relationships, whether they be romantic, platonic, or with family, we have a tendency to try to change people into what or who we think they should be or what we want them to be. I'm sure that we've all learned by now that we cannot change people. What we do have the power to do is to change ourselves.

Think about how you feel when someone tells you what you need to or should be doing. Even when they say it nicely, my first reaction is often to rebel and do the exact opposite of what they are telling me to do. Constructive feedback is one thing, but lecturing someone on how they need to change is totally differently and rarely well received.

As a result I've found that the best way to see change is to be the change that you want to see.

What can you do differently to reduce or eliminate the undesirable behavior that your loved one exhibits without being manipulative?

Here are a few practical examples...

Let's say that your loved one has a smoking habit that you do not care for. Physically removing yourself when they smoke will let them know how you feel about it without you telling them that they need to quit. Telling them that they should stop does not encourage them to do so, but perhaps the absence of your presence may help them to give the idea some thought.

I've noticed that people only do what you allow them to. The cigarette smokers in my life know that I do not like smoke, but since I don't set any clear boundaries, I am still subject to this undesired behavior. But I've noticed that there are certain people that they do not smoke around. This means that the people that they do not smoke around have set some clear boundaries. Know what you want as well as what you will and will not accept and be firm in that.

Perhaps your issue is that you and your loved one argue all of the time. You can be the change that you want to see by making an effort to be more positive. If you find yourself being negative or reacting to their negativity, take a step back. Either counter their negativity with positivity, or simply do not respond or react to their negativity at all.

I watched the film "Fireproof" a few months ago and in the movie, the husband was reading the book, The Love Dare. The love dare is a forty day process based on biblical principles where couples are given a different challenge each day. One day the husband was given the challenge of not being negative. Even if his wife was negative he had to be silent and not reciprocate her actions. Give that a try. A person can only fuss, rant and rave all by themselves for so long before they begin to feel foolish.

These are but a few examples, but I encourage you to examine the stressful situations in your relationships and think about how changing yourself can benefit the union.

**This message was taken from my Relationship Rescue Series which is not just limited to romantic relationships; these are principles that can apply to any relationship whether it be family, friends, or co-workers. Relationships are what keep us alive so it is important to nurture them and put in the time and effort that it takes to make them work.

Relationship Rescue Series** Installment 2- Be The Change You Want to See

I’m not sure where I heard that quote, but it has always stuck with me. In relationships we have a tendency to try to change people into what or who we think they should be or what we want them to be. I’m sure that we’ve all learned by now that we cannot change people. What we do have the power to do is change ourselves.
Think about how you feel when someone tells you what you need to or should be doing. Even when they say it nicely, my first reaction is often to rebel and do the exact opposite of what they are telling me to do. Constructive feedback is one thing, but lecturing someone on how they need to change is totally differently and rarely well received.

As a result I’ve found that the best way to see change is to be the change that you want to see.

What can you do differently to reduce or eliminate the undesirable behavior that your love one exhibits without being manipulative?

Here are a few practical examples…

Let’s say that your loved one has a smoking habit that you do not care for. Physically removing yourself when they smoke will let them know how you feel about it without you telling them that they need to quit. Telling them that they should stop does not encourage them to do so, but perhaps the absence of your presence may help them to give the idea some thought.

I’ve noticed that people only do what you allow them to. The cigarette smokers in my life know that I do not like smoke, but since I don’t set any clear boundaries, I am still subject to this undesired behavior. But I’ve noticed that there are certain people that they do not smoke around. This means that the people that they do not smoke around have set some clear boundaries. Know what you want and be firm in that.

Perhaps your issue is that you and your loved one argue all of the time. You can be the change that you want to see by making an effort to be more positive. If you find yourself being negative or reacting to their negativity, take a step back. Either counter your negativity with positivity, or simply do not respond to their negativity.

I watched the film “Fireproof” the other day and in the movie, the husband was reading the book, “The Love Dare.” The love dare is a forty day process based on biblical principles where individuals are given a different challenge each day. One day the husband was given the challenge of not being negative. Even if his wife was negative he had to be silent and not reciprocate her actions. Give that a try. A person can only fuss, rant and rave all by themselves for so long before they begin to feel foolish.

These are but a few examples, but I encourage you to examine the stressful situations in your relationships and think about how changing yourself can benefit the union.

**This Relationship Rescue Series is not just limited to romantic relationships; these are principles that can apply to any relationship whether it be family, friends, or co-workers. Relationships are what keep us alive so it is important to nurture them and put in the time and effort that it takes to make them work.

Relationship Rescue Series: Installment #1 - Date Your Mate

When we get into a relationship or a marriage we often fall into a comfort zone. We merely exist within the relationship. As a result we either end up taking our mate for granted, or they take us for granted because we figure, “They’ll be there.”
In this case it is important to make a conscious effort to date one another in order to avoid complacency, lack of growth or having either or both parties stray away from the relationship.

I often hear stories from our elders about how they used to “court” back in their day.

Courting was a practice that happened when men would date a woman who he was interested in being in a relationship with. These days we skip that crucial step of getting to know and trying to pursue one another for a greater purpose. We go straight to being physical, living with, and even having children with one another. Marriage and relationships are often secondary to those things or an afterthought.
Then we wonder why, years down the road, we find ourselves at a dead end. We look up and we are with someone that we’ve grown to love, but fail to like. Or, we find ourselves with someone that we call our boyfriend or girlfriend, but that’s more so just a title because the truth is that neither of us are boys or girls and we are not friends at all.

So, what are we to do to reverse or better yet, avoid these circumstances?
Here is what I recommend…

• Be Planful* and Intentional about scheduling creative and engaging dates with your mate. Even President Obama and First Lady Michelle have a designated date night with a back up night in case something comes up.

• Set a Date and Keep It just as if it is any other important appointment in your planner. Make the commitment.

• Be Present when you are on the date. This means limiting or eliminating all distractions such as talking on the phone, texting, watching television, or reading a book or magazine. Use this uninterrupted time as an opportunity to engage in meaningful conversation. It will promote bonding and you may learn new things about your mate.

Dating your mate may not be as easy as it sounds, especially if you have fallen into years of the same old pattern. This is why I have only listed three steps to take toward rejuvenating your relationship. Take it one day at a time, one step at a time, and once you have mastered these three steps we can move on to more complex challenges. In the meantime take time to reevaluate where you are in your relationship and DATE YOUR MATE!

*Planful is not actually a word, but I use it all of the time and I love it. So just consider it a part of the MMJ Vocabulary. Perhaps I’ll create my own dictionary. 