Fat Girl (Poem)

A fat girl lives on the inside of me

Although I’ve shed the pounds I’m still weighed down

By insecurity



Mannerisms are meek and mild

Characteristics of my inner fat child



The scale and the mirror are my two biggest enemies

The scale measures failure and the mirror deceives



I don’t see what others see ‘cause

99% of losing weight is psychology



It has been a challenge physically

But is has been more taxing emotionally

Confusion, stress and strain afflict my psyche constantly



Put the pounds on

Now the weights gone

My life has become an oxymoron



When I was large I was invisible

Now that I’m small I cannot hide



At size 16 when it came to men, I was virtually unknown

At size 6 when it comes to men, then won’t leave me alone



I can’t help but wonder, would they acknowledge me the way I used to be?

For the majority, attraction is based solely on what they see



Fat jokes told in my presence offend me and confuse me even more

Then I realize, they’re not meant for me, but for those who look how I looked before



Why is it then that they cut deep and still affect me so?

Because the fat child housed within refuses to let go



When I shop through the aisles and look at small clothes

My inner fat child screams, “Leave those alone!”



When I try on those clothes

I cannot believe

How the all fit me with elegance and ease



When I meet a new man that I catch feelings for

My inner fat child says,

“When he finds out that you were fat he’ll head straight for the door.”



With reluctance I reveal my past to that man

Using pictures as evidence of my wide waist and hip span



I prepare for him to leave as she said that he would

When he surprises me by saying, “Girl, you still used to look good!”



“Don’t believe him. He’s just saying that now. If he saw you back then he would call you a cow!” My inner fat child says with fury and spite putting an immediate damper on my feelings that night.



My past and my present are in a constant tug-of-war

Making it hard to appreciate all that I’ve worked so hard for



My will was strong but I could never win

Unless I confronted my demon within



I said “Fat girl, would you please just let me be? Just let me enjoy my new healthy body.”



She said “Girl don’t forget that you used to be fat. You drop a few pounds now you think you’re all that? Just as you lost it you can gain it all back!”



I said “I’ll never forget what I used to be. I’ve only changed externally. Who I am inside is the same and will always be. Now one thing is a fact, I won’t gain it all back. I’m committed to keeping my lifestyle on track.”



She said, “You say that now, you gluttonous sow, but I’ll be here laughing when you finally back down.”



I said, “I know that you thrive on my fear and self doubt, I’ve conquered those things so now you can get out. Your nourishment comes from my insecurity, now I am secure, so you can just leave. You used to control everything that I’d do; now I’m in control so I rebuke you!”



I was prepared for her response filled with vengeance and rage

After listening closely…



Silence was all that I could gauge



Then suddenly I heard a surrendering sigh

That escalated into a defeated child’s cry



Those cries and small footsteps began to slowly fade away

I never heard from my inner fat child again after that day