Wardrobe Malfunction

When I was in college, I was a member of the Phi Sigma Pi Co-ed National Honor Fraternity.  Each year we would travel to a different state to attend the annual convention.  A few friends and I were in the hallway of our hotel waiting for everyone to finish getting ready for a social event that evening when I decided to break out into an impromptu free style dance routine.  I decided to do a little move that we might refer to as dropping it like it’s hot which basically entailed dropping down into a deep squat and coming back up rather quickly, then repeating that over and over again.  While I was doing this move I was singing a line from the song, Tootsie Roll.  “Dip baby dip! Dip baby dip!”  Two dips in, the crotch of my jeans ripped from knee to knee.  Yes…you read that correctly, I said knee to knee because it burst wide open at the seam in an arc that spanned from one of my knees to the other.  When it ripped, it made a popping sound that was so loud that someone came out of the hotel room and said, “What was that noise?”  They had heard the sound inside the room even though the door was closed!  Needless to say, from that point on my nick name was “Rip baby rip! Rip baby rip!”

There are three major wardrobe malfunctions that might occur that can turn a lovely day into a devastating one.  In addition to a ripped crotch I’d say that the other two most common ones would be a broken heel or a major stain.  In my little overactive imagination our wardrobe, or what we wear represents our life or our business.  We come up against setbacks which can be embarrassing or debilitating as well as a major blow to our confidence.

Our heels represent our platform or what we stand for.  It reminds me of a powerful quote, “If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything.” In business and in life it is imperative that we know what our foundation is and that we stand firmly and strongly upon it.  If it is weak, like the broken heel, we will be thrown off balance. We want be able to walk tall but with one broken heel, that will be hard to do. Depending on when, where and how our heel breaks, we may even get hurt.   These three things translate to the fact that we must be consistent (balance), operate with integrity (walking tall), and have an intentional plan for maintaining physical and psychological safety (because we might get hurt).

The rip in the crotch represents being exposed.  Unfortunately, when it comes to business and life, the better that we do, the more people try to find things that are wrong with us.  Now we can try to tie a coat around our waist, which represents hiding, but that won’t change the fact that our crotch is still wide open.  For that reason, the approach that I’ve found to be most effective is transparency.  “Hey ya’ll, would you believe I just ripped my crotch!”  When I train and teach, I’ve found that people appreciate and relate to honesty.  We are not all perfect and we don’t always have all of the answers and that’s okay. Therefore I recommend authenticity at all times. 

I also believe that if anyone is going to drop a big story on me, it’s going to be me.  You can’t blackmail me if I willingly share the information, and if I’m planning on engaging in something that I’m too ashamed to willingly share…then perhaps, I should consider another route.  Even if what you’ve been through carries a stigma or is looked down upon, you never know how you are being a blessing to someone else who needs to know that they are not alone.

Finally, a stain or your clothing represents a mistake.  As much as we try to avoid them, we all make them and just like certain substances that we soil our clothing with, they are often hard to simply wash away.  In such a case we must look at it as an opportunity to learn.  For example, if I know that my colleague often animatedly talks with his hands, then I know not drink red wine near him when I have on a white shirt.  If we look at that from a real life and business perspective it simply means that we try new things, and if they don’t work, we use that knowledge to inform our future choices and decisions.  Don’t waste a moment wallowing in guilt or shame.  Take that mistake and count it as a necessary test or trial that was a mandatory prerequisite to your inevitable success.

This week I challenge you to answer the following questions.  What do I stand for?  How can I effectively deal with being exposed (talked about or criticized) in a way that is meaningful for me?  How can I turn my mistakes into opportunities for learning?  

Wardrobe malfunctions are a part of life.  Plan accordingly.

You've Got Me, Who's Got You?

I'll never forget the scene from one of the old Superman movies where Lois Lane was falling through the sky when Superman swooped down, seemingly from out of nowhere, to save her. What was most memorable about that scene for me was what she said,

"You’ve got me...Who’s got you?"  

Basically, she wanted know, if he was saving her, then who was saving him?  That makes me think about many of us who have a tendency to try to save the world at the expense of ourselves.  We do this without any super powers and believe that we can come out unscathed. The truth of the matter is that we may not only be hindering the growth of those that we love, but we may also be harming ourselves in the process.

The same is the case with athletic icons. People idolize Michael Jordan, Lebron James, Kobe Bryant and the like, but those men as individuals would not be able to go up against the opposing team to win the game alone. There is a team of people behind them, whose names we may not even know, that support them on the path to victory.

Are you a self-appointed superman or a superwoman, always flying to the rescue of those in need around you? If so, who is looking out for you? Even the man of steel has a weakness...kyrptonite.  Kryptonite is the only thing that can weaken and ultimately kill the otherwise invincible man.  If this seemingly invulnerable man has something that can take him out, then why do we feel that we are exempt?  Your kryptonite may come in the form of physical or mental illness, loss or grief, or unexpected hardships that come your way. Or, quite simply, life and all of the responsibilities that you’ve take on will eventually wear you down.  With this being the case it is important that you have someone or something to rescue you too.

So, the question is...Who's got you?

The first step is simple.  Let God do His work. You may think you can save the world, but the first thing that I quickly learned as a social worker is that you can't. Of course we can make a difference and an impact in many major ways, but we must face and accept the fact that no matter how hard we may try, we cannot save the world.  If you truly want God to move in your life and the lives of others...then get out of His way.

The next step is to identify a sturdy support system.  This is a network of people that serve as a safety net that can catch you when you fall or a scaffold that can assist you in reaching higher heights.  This can vary from an army of one, to a starting lineup of five or an all-star dream team of twelve or more.  Find people that add value to your life in that they have strengths in areas where you are weak.  These are people that have the strength and wisdom to steer or pull you away from substances and situations that might destroy you.

So this week I challenge you to take a step back and observer your behaviors and habits when it comes to trying to be everyone’s everything.  The next time you are in the midst of saving someone imagine them turning to you and saying, “You’ve got me…who’s got you?”



Beyond The Advance

As soon as trouble comes, we want to be rescued right away. When we are working at something, we want the payment before the work has been completed.  Therefore, it is safe to say that most of the time we want all of the rewards, answers and solutions for our problems and our work right up front.  We settle for Mr. or Misses Right Now.  We take credit cards and loans with high interest rates.  We want to lose ten pounds in ten days.  We devour fast food while on the go. What we often fail to think about is what this obsession with expediting our life, experiences and allowances might actually cost us.  If you are going through some type of trial right now, you probably want the answer, the victory, or you just plain old want things to get better right now…but sometimes, waiting until after the storm to see the sunshine and the rainbow makes it worth the wait.

Talented authors and musicians often get hefty monetary advances for book and record deals.  This means that they get a lump sum of money up front, which will be made back once their books or records begin to sell.  It seems like a sweet deal, and quite often is, but, if the advance is not made back in sales, then the artist does not receive anything above and beyond it.  They do not get the overflow.

An advance may sound like the best things since sliced bread, but let’s look at it from another angle…

When I visited the "And Still We Rise" exhibit at the Charles H. Wright Museum of African American History in Detroit, the charismatic tour guide led us through each area and taught us tons of interesting tid bits that confirmed for me how much our history informs our present state of being. 

In 1862 the current president, Abraham Lincoln, issued an executive order to free slaves.  It was called the Emancipation Proclamation. Sad to say, many slaves never experienced true freedom because their owners had another plan in mind.  Most of the slaves were held because of the debt that they owed to their master's.  The owners had the audacity to say that since they provided food, clothing and shelter for the slaves, that they had to work off that debt before they were truly allowed to be free.

Upon hearing this I made an immediate correlation between the happenings around the Emancipation Proclamation then, and the music industry now.  Artists are given weighty advances, fancy cars, clothing and jewelry upon signing a record deal.  The allure of it all prompts eager singers and rappers to sign thick contracts without reading the fine print.  Once the record drops and millions of copies are sold, the rising star is left wondering why they are seeing little to no profit from all of their hard work.

What they fail to realize is that they are in fact paying for all that they were afforded in advance.  The company deducts the advances and expenses from the profits made from the units sold.

So very similar to the situation with the slaves, we may think that we have made it big time by getting big things quickly, but what we are really faced with is a big time disappointment as we work to repay a debt that we never asked for in the first place. This might also correlate to authors who sign major book deals.  All of this goes to show that in many instances, up front advances, quick fixes and easy answers come at a much higher cost.

Now that I’ve got you thinking, I want you to relate this to your life.  I want you to think about how when we have a problem, we want the solution right away.  We may get that answer or incentive, and it may be good, but what we don’t realize is that what we could have gotten on the other end is far more valuable.  We don’t go through anything in vain. Everything that we experience is for a reason. As soon as things go wrong, we run to God and want him to fix it on the spot.  If He does not, we get upset and feel that He does not hear our cries.  We don’t trust Him, so we look for that quick fix instead.

If we just trust Him and wait to get through something, then we will come out in the end equipped with strength, patience and knowledge in addition to a desired income that will exceed our expectations. Since we’ve put in the hard work, the sweat and the tears, the payment that we receive, or the solution to our problem is so much more savory.  Sometimes we just have to wait patiently to see what is beyond the advance. Why settle for good when you can have great?

If the answer to your problem is not coming as quickly as you would like, it’s ok!  Know that an even sweeter deal is on the way.

Shed The Skin You're In

Every now and then there comes a time where we need to leave old things behind. Comfort makes it so that we don’t want to let go, but sometimes letting go is necessary in order for us to grow. 

Think about that pair of jeans that you love.   It may be too big, it may be too small, it may be worn and tattered...either way it’s beyond time to get a new pair.  We hold on to it because it’s what we know and it fits us, or at least used to fit us just the way we like it. Jeans that are too tight sometimes even stretch with us as we grow because we wear them so much.  We think that new jeans just wouldn’t be the same.  Then one day, you’re out in public and the button pops off, or the zipper breaks, or the crotch or inseam rips.  We wait until some major upheaval occurs before we finally give in and say, it’s time for a new pair.

This is much like our lives.  Many times we stay in a situation because it’s comfortable, it’s what we know, and it seems safe.  But the truth is, if we stay in that same place...how will we ever grow?  It makes me think about snakes.  According to wisegeek.com, “Snakes shed their skin to allow for growth, as well as to remove parasites along with their old skin.”   Think about that for a moment.

If we are trying to symbolically stay in our old skin, it binds us so that we cannot grow.  Our old skin has also accumulated parasites and other harmful things which we need to rid our system of.  Those parasites could represent things like bad habits or behaviors that we need to turn away from.

Once a snake goes through the shedding process, its old worn scales are replaced with new healthy skin.  This can occur anywhere from every few weeks to once a year.  When you think of the skin that you need to shed, it can range from simple to complex.  It may mean donating all of the old clothes that you no longer wear and replacing them with new clothes. Or it may mean walking away from a very comfortable yet stagnant or difficult situation.

In order to successfully shed the skin you’re in, it’s important to be honest with yourself.  We often make excuses and try to convince ourselves that we are just fine where we are, but if we look at the situation truthfully and honestly we will find that we may in fact be hanging on to layers upon layers of old skin.  We also tend to wait for something to happen (Like the jeans ripping that I mentioned earlier) to give us that push or that reason.  We don’t need an excuse to grow. The fact that it’s just due time should be reason enough.   

Once the old skin has been shed...leave it behind.  When snakes leave their skin behind, it is still intact, but you don’t see them turning back to try to squeeze back into their old set of scales, do you?  They move on and continue going through life with the new healthy skin.

When was the last time you shed the skin you were in?  This week, I encourage you to take a good hard look at yourself and determine if there are some layers that need to be shed.



Take Your Medicine

Monica Marie Jones with Eric Jerome Dickey

Last week I made a spur of the moment decision to attend a literary conference in Kansas City, Missouri. I immediately paid for the conference and my hotel room in advance to make sure that I didn’t change my mind. After researching the price of flights I’d decided that I’d rent a car and drive the thirteen plus hours all on my own. On the day of the trip, I realized that based on how busy my week leading up to the trip was and how demanding my week after the trip would be, that I’d gotten myself into a pretty ambitious undertaking.

I must admit that as the trip neared, worry and anxiety began to set in as I faced the reality of finances, time and the fact that I was tired and trying to beat a cold. As much as I am a cheerleader for faith, I began to waver and I wasn’t quite sure how I would pull this trip off if I could make it happen at all. All the while I prayed and in response I simply heard, “Trust Me.”

A concerned friend began to go back and forth with me about how it wasn’t safe for me to drive that long distance alone. So after arguing that I was a trooper because I had driven that distance and longer on my own several times, I decided to at least check to see if there were any good deals on last minute flights. As I looked over all of the outrageous prices, it occurred to me to check on the status of my frequent flyer miles to see if I was eligible for a reward flight.

A reward flight to Kansas City would cost me 25, 000 frequent flyer miles. I had 25, 009. On the day that I was schedule to hit the road, I was able to book a FREE, non-stop, round trip flight that was only two hours in duration as opposed to the thirteen plus hours that I would have had to drive one way. It was clear to me that this leap of faith was one that I was meant to take.

This particular conference was filled with some of my favorite authors. These were famous authors that I’d grown up reading, authors that have made the New York Times and Essence Bestsellers list on multiple occasions. I whisked in and greeted them all personally as if they had been family that I hadn’t seen in a while and they embraced me equally so. Well into the long Saturday full of workshops, panels and intense conversations, I realized that I was so engaged, that not a single worry had crossed my mind.

I was so into what I was doing that the things that usually occupy my thoughts such as finances, relationships, responsibilities, and concern for family had not even attempted to enter my mind. It was at that very moment that I came to understand a simple truth that can help and heal us all of the toxic feelings of worry, fear and anxiety.

Being immersed in what you love makes you forget about the things that aren’t right in your life. It erases your worries and allows you, if only for a moment...to be free. It’s like the serum to personal freedom. It is a feeling like no other...one that we should be intentional about making happen in our lives on a regular basis.

The remedy is simple.

Identify It

Identify the thing or things that you truly love and are passionate about.

Create It

Create regular experiences or opportunities for yourself where you are immersed in that thing that you love.

Capture It

Savor the experience while you are in it, and capture it so that you can revisit it if you need to. This can be done through taking notes, journaling, taking pictures or reflecting on the experience afterward.

~

This week I challenge you to set aside some time to immerse yourself in that hobby, that project, that class....Take that trip...Spend time with that person...Whatever it is for you, make it happen, if only for a moment, and watch how you will be almost instantly alleviated of the day to day woes that often plague your heart and your mind.

Worry, fear and anxiety are the illness. The antidote is immersing yourself in what you love. Get health. Get happy. Get whole.

You Are The Boss Of You

Monica Marie Jones

We have a tendency to torture ourselves.  We over book ourselves.  We take on more than we can handle.  We help other people more than we help ourselves.  Do any of these behaviors sound familiar? 

What I have eventually come to realize is that in the past I made my life a lot harder than it had to be.  Sometimes we take our lives and ourselves way too seriously.  As an entrepreneur, I am my own boss.  But as people, we are all the bosses of our own lives.  Therefore, we have the power to make our lives work for us. 

How can you readjust your day to day routine to reduce unnecessary stress?  Here are a couple of simple suggestions...

Pay Yourself First

When I say this, I don't just mean money. Time and energy are just as valuable as money.   Do something for yourself first, before you begin to think about what needs to be done for the children, what needs to be done around the house, or what you need to do for work.  Each day, I exercise first, which sets a nice tone for the rest of my day and helps me to have more energy, less stress, and peace of mind in knowing that I took care of myself first.

It doesn't have to take two hours.  It may just be that you spend the first five minutes of your day in prayer, enjoying your favorite breakfast, or reading a chapter of a juicy novel.  When we neglect ourselves and put all of our energy into others, resentment begins to creep in and take over our joy.  When you put yourself first, if only for a moment, you will feel much better about the things that you do for everyone else.

Make Time For Fun

Some people play too much, but most people don't play enough.  Play is an integral part of the human experience.  So make some time for fun, or those things that you've always wanted to do.  Reintroduce spontaneity into your life.

Go to a carnival, arcade or movie with your mate. Read a book for enjoyment instead of business or school.  Make a spur of the moment decision, throw caution to the wind and just do it!  This week I made a last minute decision to attend an out of town literary event next weekend where some of the biggest authors in the business will be in attendance.  I figure that since I want to be the best, then I'd better surround myself with the best.  So I've decided to embark upon this adventure before I begin to create a thousand reasons why I shouldn't go. Now that I've registered for the conference and booked my room, I feel so excited!  I'm excited not only about the experience, which I know will be awesome, but I am excited about taking such a huge leap of faith and doing something that I know that I will enjoy.

This week I challenge you to come up with a simple and manageable plan to make your life work for you.  You are the boss of you, so take charge and adjust accordingly.

Experience Life!

Live. Laugh. Love!

I think while I sleep. My mind continues to work long after I am deep within slumber's grasp. This is why I sleep with two journals and my laptop in the bed next to me and a pen on the night stand. This quote woke me up out of my sleep on Sunday morning...

"Live to experience, not to avoid...but do so in such a way that the mirror is your friend and not your foe."

We spend a lot of time in life suspended in a state of avoidance. We live to avoid what is often inevitable instead of savoring moments, engaging in experiences, appreciating the arts, enjoying relationships and celebrating life.

In trying to avoid things, most of which are beyond our control, we expend the majority of our energy, which is a precious resource that is only borrowed and at some point must be given back.

We don't let people get close to us, especially the ones that we might really care about or potentially fall in love with, to avoid being hurt.

We don't take on or tackle the careers or the professional goals that we have in order to avoid failure.

We don't ask for what or who we want to avoid being rejected.

Essentially we torture ourselves by constantly operating in avoidance mode as opposed to being present and in the moment...Instead of fully experiencing life right now. Now when I say Experience Life, I don't mean going straight buck wild. We have to be able to live with our choices and decisions. A guest pastor that spoke at church said, "We go to bed with one of two things, results or regrets." Which one sounds like the better bed mate?

In experiencing life we have to be able to look ourselves in the mirror, hence the second part of my quote above.

This past weekend I made the conscious decision (and a pact with a friend) to begin to experience life to the fullest. There is so much out here to love, but we often don't even realize it because of our tendency to focus on the negative. The very thing that we are trying so hard to avoid may be the very thing that is the key to our breakthrough. I often tell the participants that come to the trainings that I facilitate to, "Trust the process." We get so wrapped up in the outcomes that we miss the best parts of life...the process...the experience. As we approach this new season I challenge you let go of your need to control everything in order to avoid what you don't want to happen. I challenge you to focus on the experience of life.